The time between my blogs is getting longer! However, I am so glad that I can report it is mostly for an awesome reason! I have started a new adventure, I have returned to school full-time. I am loving school, especially all of the interaction with people and professors. I will continue to be John’s everything and primary caregiver, but we do have respite care coming to our home now so that I can pursue a future for our family and not just exist for our family.
With that said, I want to be open and share with you all the trials that have come with this new step in life. It is a harsh reality and it strikes randomly. I am moving forward (not to be confused with “moving on”) and John is basically stuck where he is and for the most part will remain. How does one spouse move forward and deal with the guilt that comes when your love is stuck and not capable of moving forward?
To be honest, I still struggle with this and I am a few months into classes. It is getting less difficult as time goes on and I work through these feelings, but I am certain all of us (including our loved ones) struggle with both sides of these feelings. At first I felt so guilty for just being excited to finally be able to go to school when John had always wanted to go back for his engineering degree, but now will never be able to attempt it. Then the feelings of guilt hit as I began to enjoy the conversation and interaction all while not having to provide the care for him. On and on it goes. Again, I do not have any easy answers to all of this grief, other than just keep trying to get through it, but still allow the time to feel the pain. Most of all also acknowledge the new joys when they happen. They WILL happen again!
Personally, one of the greatest new joys if having some really great caregivers coming in to help when I have a need to be away from the house, whether that be for school or an appointment. It is like an opportunity to re-start life. I love taking care of my husband, but at the same time I was failing myself because my I wasn’t taking care of my needs (old and new). Ironically, John loves having the caregivers come in. That is a whole different blog, but basically in his age of mind now, he feels like his buddies are coming to spend the day with him and he is able to keep his routine regardless of what appointment either my daughter or I have. The routine is a huge part to his brain not being over stimulated.
I really have a lot on my heart to share with all of you! But I will keep this one somewhat short. I just want to encourage everyone to keep fighting against whatever situation has you feeling down or trapped. There is more, you might not be ready for it yet, keep seeking and you will find! The verse that came to my mind while writing tonight is…
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)
I also want to thank you all for continuing to read, email, and comment! It helps in many ways to know that I can share our story with others! We are never alone in our trials!