As I try to go to sleep tonight, I just want to scream! I want to scream at the injustice. I want to scream, “WHY? WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME LORD?” In many ways I feel so alone and even abandoned. I feel so helpless. I feel abandoned and angry. I loved him. I have lost so much in my 36 years of life, why did I have to lose him too? My chest hurts with anger. My heart throbs in pain. When will the hurt go away? I LOVED HIM! I WANTED HIM! Why did God allow him to be taken from me? WHY?

An older picture of my smiling hubby prior to his TBI.

I want him back. I want him even with all of his flaws, I need him. He filled my days and my nights. He was my lover and my friend. He was the one I was supposed to grow old with and celebrate many years and trials together. We were supposed to sit on rockers on the front porch and celebrate the milestones of our children and traveling the country. I would give my life for just one more glimpse of him.

Aloura getting used to her “Dad after TBI”

As I calm down, as I take a few deep breaths I am reminded that the Lord above knows all things, sees all things, and loves both John and I more than we can imagine. I also can see that I am not through all of the phases of grief. I believe I am experiencing the anger. Yes, I am mad! I know I was given a partial gift of my husband ‘making it through’, but I am still dealing with the grief of essentially losing my husband as he is no longer the same person in most ways.

The “new” John and I during a forced cuddle and movie time which is something we used to do often. The new reality is that it is not comfortable for him.

While I love the “new” John, I also am reminded every day that my John essentially died on April 19, 2012. I will never give up on the new John, but it is important that I grieve the old John and move forward without the high expectations on the “new” John. The new John that is often in the mentality of a young child. The new John that loves me only to the extent that he is capable because the part of his brain that allow him to experience emotions and much more is broken.

As the tears start flowing again tonight, the following song plays in my heart. I know it is from the Lord as comfort for my soul. Even in my anger, HE is sitting right beside me. HE is carrying me through my days at school. HE is holding and guiding me as I care for the “new” John.

(I copied the video from you tube so that you too may be comforted. Listen to the words. They are true. Even though pain comes and our worlds fall HE is there until the very end!)

4 responses to “Anger

  1. Karen Del Zoppo

    I can’t believe it>>I am reading my own story! The only difference is my husband was 54, and received the brain damage from a Cardiac Arrest. You are not alone, your feelings are the same as mine. I AM ACTUALLY LOST!

    • I am glad you found my blog! I have not been on here in quite some time since I have found juggling classes and life very time consuming! What is something that you have found helps you work through the feelings when they come?

      • Karen Del Zoppo

        I wish I had an answer for that one. During the day, I try to throw myself into things and keep real busy. I’m a Registered Nurse, and although I would love to work, I cannot because Tom is a full time job. The nights are the worst, as there is not a single night when I don’t think about Tom. I think about the way he was and all the beautiful memories we had together, that he can no longer share with me. My heart aches when I think about our life together before his event. Couples, that were once our friends, now have dwindled, and have nothing in common with us anymore. Essentially, I am a widow in limbo. I can’t grieve his loss, because he is still here.
        My heart breaks when my 30 year old son tries to do things for me that his dad once did. He tries so hard sometimes to take on the role of his dad, that can no longer do them. He tries to keep life as it used to be, but it kills me to see him try so hardly.
        I will write again, after the holidays, which are nothing but a motion that I do for my son. There is no longer any joy, except for the celebration of Jesus’ birth..
        To this day, I still am searching for anything out there that can help Tom to be the husband and father he used to be. So far, no luck, but I am interested in this stem cell research, that maybe one day can regenerate dead brain tissue.
        God Bless You and Your Family, through this rough Holiday season ahead.
        God Bless and Keep You,

      • Thinking of you! Hope your year has had some silver linings!

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