As I try to go to sleep tonight, I just want to scream! I want to scream at the injustice. I want to scream, “WHY? WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME LORD?” In many ways I feel so alone and even abandoned. I feel so helpless. I feel abandoned and angry. I loved him. I have lost so much in my 36 years of life, why did I have to lose him too? My chest hurts with anger. My heart throbs in pain. When will the hurt go away? I LOVED HIM! I WANTED HIM! Why did God allow him to be taken from me? WHY?
I want him back. I want him even with all of his flaws, I need him. He filled my days and my nights. He was my lover and my friend. He was the one I was supposed to grow old with and celebrate many years and trials together. We were supposed to sit on rockers on the front porch and celebrate the milestones of our children and traveling the country. I would give my life for just one more glimpse of him.
As I calm down, as I take a few deep breaths I am reminded that the Lord above knows all things, sees all things, and loves both John and I more than we can imagine. I also can see that I am not through all of the phases of grief. I believe I am experiencing the anger. Yes, I am mad! I know I was given a partial gift of my husband ‘making it through’, but I am still dealing with the grief of essentially losing my husband as he is no longer the same person in most ways.
While I love the “new” John, I also am reminded every day that my John essentially died on April 19, 2012. I will never give up on the new John, but it is important that I grieve the old John and move forward without the high expectations on the “new” John. The new John that is often in the mentality of a young child. The new John that loves me only to the extent that he is capable because the part of his brain that allow him to experience emotions and much more is broken.
As the tears start flowing again tonight, the following song plays in my heart. I know it is from the Lord as comfort for my soul. Even in my anger, HE is sitting right beside me. HE is carrying me through my days at school. HE is holding and guiding me as I care for the “new” John.
(I copied the video from you tube so that you too may be comforted. Listen to the words. They are true. Even though pain comes and our worlds fall HE is there until the very end!)