It has been a tough week for my emotions. I have wanted to write so often this last week, but I did not have the energy for the tears that would inevitably flow while writing. Tonight I hit a wall so to speak. There have been so many “fun” happenings going on and yet this has stirred up so much pain in my heart. This is the deepest kind of pain that comes with realizing that my husband’s old persona is gone.
We went with some friends of ours to a really awesome festival called “Shaker Woods.” There are all sorts of handmade crafts, furniture, food, and even entertainment. There were swarms of people and vendors. As we journeyed around the venues it was great to feel a little bit normal; however, shortly after we arrived it became so clear to me how “non-normal” our lives have become. John did not function well in this environment. There were distractions and so many redirections that I had to give him. He became very frustrated and angry throughout the day.
The other situation that struck me is that I have started to become somewhat envious of couples. I would turn and see a couple laugh and exchange a smile or pick up their new born baby and I would burn deep inside of my heart. I have had this feeling since the accident but I was really able to identify it this weekend. ENVY: the big ugly monster that I was allowing to change the person I am.
Why be envious? I mean after all my husband survived a horrific accident. He should not be alive for all statistical purposes. Shouldn’t I be elated every day that he is here on earth with me? I should, and I am thankful that the Lord did not call him home because even though every single day is a struggle, I do not think I could handle him dying. The fact still remains though that he is also mostly not here with me. The man I used to joke around with and kiss at red lights is gone. In his place is that adolescent brain that cannot control his actions. The brain that he has can be so ugly to me and then turn and laugh because he has no sense of emotions and cannot identify with others that are hurting. I do not want to accept this for us. I do not want to accept the reality that John’s old personality is gone. That I am alone in a relationship sense. I pray to God that He will heal John’s new brain and give me back the “old” John.
If there is one thing I have learned through my journey is that MY wants are not always in line with the Lord’s plans. My whole life I have learned that His plans are not to harm us, but to give us hope and a future. (My paraphrase of Jeremiah 29:11) As I take a deep breath I must to cling to this verse. This is my faith, this is what I believe, and this is what gets me through the emotional, painful, and downright ugly times of my life. If I did not believe in the Bible and its message I could not wake up every day and face life as a wife and caregiver to a TBI survivor.