Greetings dear readers! It has been quite some time since I have blogged. I have been going through a time of reflection and personal struggle. Do you ever just sit and think? I have been thinking. I have been trying to fully comprehend the magnitude of what is happening in our lives. There are days I wake up and think, “This is going to be the day normal life returns.” I think this is my biggest emotional struggle right now. Yes, 15 months later I am still going through the grieving process.
As I sit here and type, I look over at the man who IS my husband regardless of the absence of his skills, personality, and much more. I want to cry. I want to just scream and say, “WAKE UP!” I fight with the overwhelming reality that TBI brings. We were recently at the neuropsychologist and were told there may never be a time that he is able to be left unsupervised. It may sound heartless, but this has had me overwhelmed with sadness.
The sadness is for him as well as for me. I cannot begin to understand what he feels to have a “sitter” 24/7. He was our leader, our financial and emotional provider. Now he feels as though he is a burden to everyone. How do we move on from this point? How and what kind of future do we make? I cannot begin to describe the pain deep inside my heart. There are days I can get through this with seeming ease, but then there are days like this week that I can hardly breathe when I look at life with honest eyes.
Although I feel as though I am in a valley right now, I do still feel hope for our future. It may not be a “normal” future or the things we used to dream of accomplishing, but as I told my husband recently, I would not trade any of the struggles or hardships for his life EVER. Where is the silver lining? For me, I have to rely on everything I have been through in life. No matter the circumstances, God has always brought good from it. I can say that I have seen the hand of God on our little family.
(The picture above was taken while on our way home from a friend’s home. The picture does not do the view justice. As I was driving along contemplating all of these things, I looked over and there was the most beautiful cloud with a silver lining. It was as though God knew I needed to see one of His beautiful creations to give me a glimpse of His majesty.)