As I write you this letter we are over a year since your accident. I cannot begin to describe to you how our lives have changed. I know you will not be able to fully comprehend the depth of this letter, but I need to get the words out.
We just passed the eleven year mark of our wedding day. I am so thankful that we were able to celebrate it together and that I did not have to commemorate it by visiting a grave site. Although this journey is indeed a hard one with twists and mountains to climb, I do believe God created us for each other to make it through to the top of the mountain.
Truthfully, sometimes I wish you could understand how alone this journey seems. You are here with me in body but not in so many other ways. As we work in neuropsychology appointments I hold onto hope for a breakthrough in your understanding of feelings and especially in empathy. What I wouldn’t give to have you here again in an emotional and mental sense. Sometimes I will day-dream about the years past when you were so passionate and affectionate. Usually the day-dream ends with something going on that I have to address whether it’s something you are doing that is unsafe or having a ‘fit’. Then the harsh reality sets in that you are a changed man and have lifelong physical and mental disabilities that we must navigate through.
I also want you to know that no matter what continues to come our way; I am here for you! Other than the Lord you are my priority! I praise the Lord that He has given me the skills and ability to be your advocate. I am also glad He has given me a personality that is head strong and will not give-up! I wish you could understand the depth of my love for you. We have had our ups and downs like all other married couples, but I could not imagine my life without you.
It is hard for me to see you like this every day. Even on your “good” days there are so many struggles. Struggles from me having to remind you over and over to brush your teeth or get a shower to me ‘parenting’ you because you no longer have the safety concept in your fragile mind. I get frustrated at times but in all reality it comes down to the pain I feel for you because of the strong man you were. I feel your pain when I tell you I need someone to watch you for an hour or two because I need some time alone. Even though you do not understand or feel this as pain, it is the blankness in your eyes that hurt so much. Having said all of that, I still ask God to give you more days with me because you are “my everything” and the love of my life.
This is a note I had written the day after your accident: 4/20/12:
Tonight I’m desperate to tell you that I love you. I’m wanting to wrap my arms around you and hug you, to love you. Tonight the nurses had me leave so that they can help you more and I prayed that God would allow you to know we all love you and would be beside you every moment of the day that we are allowed. I’m having a weak moment tonight and fear the phone ringing beside the bed. I know you would tell me trust God. He has a purpose. I’m thinking of mom and Eli and begging God to not take you home also even though in my heart I know that His will is the only way! I love you John and everyone here does also!
I do love you John! You are my hubby no matter what has changed and I am your Boobileeboo forever!